I don’t know where to start. That’s how confused I am. I don’t even know what to think anymore.
There’s a turmoil inside my heart. The more that I expect to see myself happier and more peaceful, the heavier the weight becomes. It’s like a thunderstorm brewing up inside me, dark and ominous, hovering, blocking the hint of light that keeps me sane.
People say “if you can’t beat them, join them.” But I refuse to belong to a system that violates virtues I hold on to. In moments when I am weak, I feel like succumbing would be the best resort. Or is it moments when I am strong? I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t even know if I had been strong at all. Maybe, I was simply unconventional from the beginning. Do I even belong?
My mind is spinning from incomprehensible thoughts. Ideals that contradict realities, disappointed expectations. What used to be simple has now become complex. How can I ever go back to the basics? Have I lost my track? Go back to the Philippines? Will it make things okay? Will it make things right? I know God can pick sense out of a confused prayer, but am I even capable of that?
Are these merely monsters in my head?