Wednesday, August 15, 2012

When Gold Is Tested By Fire

It's almost 2 weeks since my last valid post. Valid because sound trips doesn't count as writing but more of just sharing. So much had been going on and so many things to be done, to share. But I have been agitated over the weeks. Later I shall tell what the cause is. But finally, here I am at the stage of acceptance. I have been preparing myself and the others around me for this big change that came a little sooner and finally, I'm filing my resignation from my company.

Before this, I had posted about a desire to flee. But I had reverted the post back to "draft" because I didn't want to dwell in those negative feelings, for the company had been a blessing in general. Something happened though, and when the gold is tested in fire, a lot of revelations appear. At this stage, so early, all we could see are the disadvantages. The heat of the fire is too much, some might not endure it. But in time, the gold will shine. Pity, I will no longer be around by the time this happens. Still, I wish those who remain to have enough strength and those already affected to find the silver lining amidst the dark clouds.

I am one of those affected during this early stage of the trial. Our plan to leave PH is not due until next year because (materialism aside) I expected the bonuses to finance our fares partially. After the accident, it felt wrong to even look forward to it especially since other employees are on the brink of losing their jobs. So we decided that I went ahead so I could save up for fares and eventually fetch them. I'm going ALONE the month after.

I declined this idea with utmost resistance. I couldn't bear to think of myself in a foreign land without my nearest of kins for I've never been farther than Zamboanga Mindanao, and that was just for 2 days, service and accommodation well prepared. Now that my aunt has confirmed to accommodate me, the sole problem I bear is the thought of leaving the kids behind. *sigh* It won't even be for half a year but still... I won't be there on their birthdays... My heart is breaking now.

We've resolved these issues by now. I made it a point that we'd celebrate their birthdays earlier before I leave. But still... I can not fathom the depths of my sorrow at the moment. All I know is I do these things and those, in preparation for this supposedly "feat." I am overflowing with things to do along with sorrow overshadowed by the busy state I'm in. Also fear. I am not the most independent person on earth. But I guess when faced with necessity, I don't have any choice but to be "able."

In a way, I feel like I have my own fire where I am being tested...

4 comments:

  1. Agreed! High level of confidence can be developed. Its realization depends on your capacity. You have the capacity. I've been handling people for many years as a management leader and all those whom I said have the capacity are now successful executives. As regards leaving the kids behind for a certain period of time, you are luckier now to have internet at your disposal anytime of the day, as compared decades ago. (Dad)

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    1. In case I'd be an executive someday, God willing, I'd want to be hard earned like yours and not because I'd have connections or something. Which is mahirap nga.

      With regard to the kids, I just hope hindi naman mapalayo ang loob nila saken during that span of time...

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  2. Hi Jenn! I always admired your bravery and intelligence to family life. I have never been in your shoes but I can say that I feel your struggle now. Today might be a period of sacrifice. But in the future, I know you will be reunited and happy with your family. Have faith.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks Diane. :) Ganun lang talaga siguro... You become brave when you need to be. :S

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