Saturday, December 19, 2015

Rock The Boat Until I Fall Down

There was a time when you liked me. There was a time when you loved me. A time when you still cared.  A time when everything was a bliss even when I was at the lowest point in my life.
You accepted me at my worst and even when I warned you to stay away from me because you deserve someone better,  you pursued me. You gave me things I never expected to have, not even in my dreams. At the time when people regard me as low, you lifted me up. At the time when I lost my self respect, I felt your admiration. You made me feel that you were proud of me although I didn't deserve it.
Most of all you saved me from the pit where I was stuck and you gave my child the normal life which I had taken away. I will always be thankful for that.
How the years pass by so very quickly. In the midst of the hustles of our family life, in between taking care of two children, struggling to make ends meet financially and trying to make our best with our reversed roles, I didn't realise that I was losing you.
First, the attention slowly faded. You were never showy but you knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel special. You knew when to console me and you understood me during my worst mood swings. You sensed what I needed. You preferred to be with me than with others. It didn't matter if the world was against me because I had your love. I was your number one. I felt I was beautiful.
Through the years, I watched how the smile and laughter that you used to give to me was replaced by indifference and lack of interest. I long to feel the yearning you used to have for me. How your face would brighten up when you see me after a long day at work. Then it was replaced by a cloud of darkness and disappointment every time you see me come home. Most often when I need you, instead of the comfort you used to offer, you would snap at me and get irritated. Instead of being special, you regard me as a pest, a burden. Now you no longer care. Perhaps the only time I feel needed is when your body needs me. I feel neglected, unwanted, useless. I am ugly.
We no longer spend time with each other like we used to. Now,  you are never happy with just me and the children. I already lost my dreams even before they started. Now i dread our honeymoon because you are no longer contented with us. Your happiness is with the other people. You get bored with just the four of us. We are no longer a family. I have become a stranger in your eyes.
I am very sad. I am depressed. Inside,  you don't see it but I am slowly dying. My heart is becoming a stone and I wish I could just stop loving you to stop getting hurt.
One day I will finally learn not to get hurt. One day the love will fade. Then I will be okay. Not happy. Just no longer in pain.
So now I am back at the lowest point in my life. Sometimes I find myself thinking and fearing the future,  staring into space. Sometimes I would feel an uncontrollable sadness because I know I had been replaced in your heart.  I am fighting against an unseen rival which I will never win and I sank deeper into my shell of insecurities more than ever.
I know you no longer want me in your life or at least I can no longer give the happiness you want. My heart is continually bleeding. I am hurting. I am lost. I have no one unless you love me... and if I can't have that love back,  then consider me a living zombie. I shall exist but I no longer live. And if I continue to stay, I stay only for the children.

Sunday, December 13, 2015

Battling Depression

Over the past months this year, I have been experiencing an overwhelming kind of sadness that I cannot explain. Sometimes I assume it's because of frustrations. Other times I believe it's because I feel helpless. But mostly it ends up with an argument with my husband over trivial reasons. But every single episode of my breakdown, it's always been my husband who gets the blame.
I am not even sure now which comes first: the overwhelming sadness after which the brain tries to find a reason to rationalise the sadness, or the reason that causes the overwhelming sadness.
It started way back when 2014 was ending wherein my farewell blow was a drastic argument which I had with my mother. I couldn't even bare to describe in details what I went through. But I suppose everyone had experienced in some point of their lives the heartbreak caused by trying others to see what you want them to but to no avail. How painful it could be that despite the sacrifices you had done, people still see you in the bad light. I remember the nights I would wake up in the middle of the night with no apparent reason and reality will beat me with its bitter truth that I am hated. I have shed unconscious tears, countless times.
One event leads to a series of consequences and I find myself under financial pressure next, which leads to unwilling decisions and failures until I didn't realise that I was getting bitter.
I couldn't count how many times I've been on and off Facebook because I would deactivate everytime I feel I couldn't even bare to keep in touch with the world. Sometimes, I would say the reason for deactivating is death, hoping Facebook would stop me and send words of comfort even though it's all probably just  computerised.
I have become moody and the stress caused many of my hair to turn white. Whether it's just mood swings, pressure or early stages of depression,  I realised I need to wise up and do something to fight. I could not succumb to depression. I have two little girls who look up to me. So I decided to talk to someone...
My friend came out last year that she was diagnosed with depression and over the months,  she has done counseling with a psychologist. Sharing her experiences helped me a lot today to realise that I may be in the early stages and that worst things could happen if it turns severe. The difficult thing about depression is that people might see you very normal from the outside but that you're actually disintegrating slowly from the inside.
I am writing this now while I am in my"right" state of mind to serve as warning and help for others who might be suffering from the same plight. I believe I may be suffering from the early stages and I plan to battle this now. This is getting serious because I never really wrote about my feelings in my posts when I was in a sad state. I couldn't even bare to write when I was sad back then. I think mine is starting to get serious as evidence by my last two posts. It has become the other way around now: I would write during my melancholic state.
My plan is to seek help and reach out to others.  It helps a lot to see that you are not alone and that depression can be overcome.
So please just as my friend tells me and I tell you now: reach out and seek help from friends. Reach out to friends who will help you get back on track. Sometimes the distance between our problems and solution is the distance of our knees to the floor.
I am not afraid to say this now.

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