Saturday, December 19, 2015

Rock The Boat Until I Fall Down

There was a time when you liked me. There was a time when you loved me. A time when you still cared.  A time when everything was a bliss even when I was at the lowest point in my life.
You accepted me at my worst and even when I warned you to stay away from me because you deserve someone better,  you pursued me. You gave me things I never expected to have, not even in my dreams. At the time when people regard me as low, you lifted me up. At the time when I lost my self respect, I felt your admiration. You made me feel that you were proud of me although I didn't deserve it.
Most of all you saved me from the pit where I was stuck and you gave my child the normal life which I had taken away. I will always be thankful for that.
How the years pass by so very quickly. In the midst of the hustles of our family life, in between taking care of two children, struggling to make ends meet financially and trying to make our best with our reversed roles, I didn't realise that I was losing you.
First, the attention slowly faded. You were never showy but you knew how to make me smile, how to make me feel special. You knew when to console me and you understood me during my worst mood swings. You sensed what I needed. You preferred to be with me than with others. It didn't matter if the world was against me because I had your love. I was your number one. I felt I was beautiful.
Through the years, I watched how the smile and laughter that you used to give to me was replaced by indifference and lack of interest. I long to feel the yearning you used to have for me. How your face would brighten up when you see me after a long day at work. Then it was replaced by a cloud of darkness and disappointment every time you see me come home. Most often when I need you, instead of the comfort you used to offer, you would snap at me and get irritated. Instead of being special, you regard me as a pest, a burden. Now you no longer care. Perhaps the only time I feel needed is when your body needs me. I feel neglected, unwanted, useless. I am ugly.
We no longer spend time with each other like we used to. Now,  you are never happy with just me and the children. I already lost my dreams even before they started. Now i dread our honeymoon because you are no longer contented with us. Your happiness is with the other people. You get bored with just the four of us. We are no longer a family. I have become a stranger in your eyes.
I am very sad. I am depressed. Inside,  you don't see it but I am slowly dying. My heart is becoming a stone and I wish I could just stop loving you to stop getting hurt.
One day I will finally learn not to get hurt. One day the love will fade. Then I will be okay. Not happy. Just no longer in pain.
So now I am back at the lowest point in my life. Sometimes I find myself thinking and fearing the future,  staring into space. Sometimes I would feel an uncontrollable sadness because I know I had been replaced in your heart.  I am fighting against an unseen rival which I will never win and I sank deeper into my shell of insecurities more than ever.
I know you no longer want me in your life or at least I can no longer give the happiness you want. My heart is continually bleeding. I am hurting. I am lost. I have no one unless you love me... and if I can't have that love back,  then consider me a living zombie. I shall exist but I no longer live. And if I continue to stay, I stay only for the children.

2 comments:

  1. Jen, I hope my interpretations are incorrect. But this post made me feel sad. I hope this is just one of the trials that you both can surpass. If you need to voice out, I'm always here to listen. If there is something I can do to help, you know where to find me. I'm just an email or a facebook message away.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Diane. It's not so much about my husband. It's more about me. We're as intact as before but my depression creates these ghosts.

      Thanks for your concern. I am trying my best to overcome this and hopefully start to post about normal stuff.

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